Thoughts of a Momma in the Midst of Adopting

The boys are in bed. The dishes done. My to-do list nearly completed for tonight. In all honesty though, regarding that to-do list, I did move most of my projects under the "tomorrow" side so that I could free up my evening to stare at the picture of a little darling girl that we are praying about and perhaps...maybe...going to make a Brabson.

I have debated in my mind writing about this. Its personal. Its real. Its weird. Yet, it is the experience of an adoptive mother.

Yesterday I found myself doodling her name on paper as I talked on the phone.
Today I could not help but kiss her sweet picture every time I walked past.
Last night she consumed my dreams.
Moose called her "sister" today and my heart ached with the warning that we should not call her that yet.....yet.

I spent a chunk of my day today on the phone with pediatricians, specialists, and adoption workers. All as a part of our "process" in trying to wisely decide if we can and will adopt her.

Let me tell you something.  This part of the "process" is gut wrenching, awkward, and fragile. I need to put this out there because I really think that I am a special form of crazy right now! 

I have before me a child, an orphan, who needs a family.
I have a family, a happy one at that.
In that one regard I can instantly provide for one of her most basic needs.

As I look at her picture I can hear a sweet voice ask me, "Can I be yours?"

My heart beats back, "of course you can be mine!"

But, can she?

Here are the things that we must consider, or at least the things everyone  tells us we must consider.....

1. Can we afford the medical costs of the multiple surgeries she will need immediately after arriving home?
2. Can we afford the time it will take to get her treatment and help her recover?
3. Does the fact that she has three special medical needs mean that she is more prone to having developmental delays that may change our family dynamics?
4. What if we say yes?
5. What if we say no?
6. Is if fair to the boys to adopt a child with special needs? (Several people have asked this one......)
7. What if her diagnosis from China is wrong and she is sicker than we think?
8. What if my expectation that she will be fine is wrong and she is indeed not fine, what then?


I am not making light of these questions, certainly a wise man considers a great many things. Tonight, though, these are not the questions that I hear.

I hear only this, "Can I be yours?"

Translations:
1. Will you have faith in my loving Creator that he will provide for our family as you care for me?
2. Will you sacrifice, giving me your time and resources, so that I might have a chance to be the very shining star that God created me to be?
3. If I do not grow as quickly, understand as much, or communicate as well will you smother me with kisses and proudly call me your own precious girl?
4. Does saying "yes" to me mean that I can sneak food off your plate just like my brothers do?
5. Does saying "no" mean that I do not measure up?
6.Do you believe that regardless of my needs I will be a blessing and a treasure to my brothers, who will learn to love and care and play with me no matter?
7. What of my heart and soul and those places within that a diagnosis does not touch?
8. Am I worthy, to be seen and loved and embraced with no expectations, but simply as a child of God?


Though we have been through the adoption process before it feels entirely foreign.  Samuel is not an adopted child. He was adopted. On October 23, 2007.....since that day he has simply been our child.....no more process...no more paperwork....just parenthood.  It is no different than Finn being born almost two years ago. There was a pregnancy and a birth.....was.....
It is so strange being back in the process again.

Regardless of our answer, and I fully believe that the Lord will lead us faithfully down the path that he has for our family,  I find hope from this process in one thought:
There will be a day when fundraising, paper chasing, fingerprinting, and processes will be through, and although I do not know for certain now who it will be, I will hold a child in my arms and say to her the same thing I whisper to my boys now, "You are mine. And, I am yours. And, that is that."

 If you read this all the way through then I ask that you pray for us. Pray that Jason and I would be like minded and hear the Word of the Lord together with one spirit. Pray that Nan will be cared for and loved whether she is to be ours or not. Pray that sweet tender Samuel and Finn would be learning to have hearts of compassion and faith in a mighty God through this journey our family is on once again. Pray that the advise coming into our home would be taken with a grain of salt as I seem to be so easily affected by others thoughts now and that we would be given wisdom as to which words to head and which to toss away. Pray for the orphans. Just pray.